If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a spammer’s.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a spammer?
How many spammers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
First person: Do you know how to save five spammers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
Where can you find a good spammer?
In the cemetery.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a spammer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the spammer. Twice.
What do you have when you bury six spammers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why is it dangerous for a spammer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.
What do you call 20 spammers skydiving from an airplane?
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a spammer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the spammer. "What were their names?"
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous spammers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued Spammer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why spammers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass spammer.”
What’s the difference between a spammer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
How do you get a spammer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What is the ideal weight of a spammer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the spammers?
New Jersey had first choice.
Why have scientists begun to use spammers instead of lab rats for research?
Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and spammers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer spammers to rats:
1. spammers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)
2. They are easier to train.
3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)
4. There are some things a rat won’t do.
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle,
I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every spammer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every spammer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every spammer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
What's the difference between a spammer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
If you laid all the spammers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
What do you call 5000 dead spammers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
When spammers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.
In the construction field, it is often noted that spammers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said spammers were always his favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having spammers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
A restaurant full of spammers was held hostage.
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one spammer every hour.
Q. Why do they bury spammers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?
A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.
What’s the difference between a spammer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What do you have if three spammers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a spammer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”
How many spammers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Two spammers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.
Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares?!
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over spammers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a spammer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a spammer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the spammer. Certain he should've missed the spammer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that spammer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of spammers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve spammers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a spammer for my 'gator."
The spammers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving spammer, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “spammer” is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See spammer.”
How many spammers does it take to stop a moving bus?
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the spammers.”
-- William Shakespeare
How do you stop a spammer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
If a spammer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How do you know if a spammer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
[This message has been edited by freddynl (edited 09-29-2007).]
Keyboards/Sound Units: Kurzweil 2600S, Roland VR-760, Acces Virus C, Roland G-800, Akai AX60, Minimoog, Machine Drum, Roland R8-M, mediastation x-76