BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
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COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
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And the WINNER is...


FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


(Statement of the Century)
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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly .


"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,


How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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Children Are Quick


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.


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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher .


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Teacher: Tony, did you lose a mitten?

Tony: No Teacher, I found one.

Tony.....the British have an incredible sense of humor.......and quick-witted too. I played in the UK for many years and remember how funny everyone was no matter where the venue was. You'd laugh at everyone's jokes and remarks from the beginning of the night right through to the 11 pm closing. It was never work for the musician........more like a social night out. I miss all that!

Nice story Mark,

I need a sense of humor to come and read the posts on SZ, we can laugh at ourselves, not so sure you do in the USA.

Always my favorite!

Here is a post from a UK forum. They get a once yearly payment from the government. It is self explanatory.

Enjoy,
Deane


WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel payments. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I 'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel Allowance payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn 't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel Allowance cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

Good one, Deane!

Ian,

Deane is just jealous of our welfare state the one USA can't afford, I saved up all my fuel allowance to buy the Audya, where did I go wrong, I just helped the Italian economy, now they are broke, what goes around comes around, you just wait

I have 4 tickets to "SPAMALOT" tomorrow, in Philadelphia - CAN'T WAIT! Funniest show I ever saw on Broadway.
" ... What is yer name ....? What is yer quest?" Good stuff.(Can't beat the boys across the pond for slapstick humor!)

Have a good time Dave ....I'll be here with a beer relaxing watching the NFL Playoff games..