Hmmm . . . could just work. If only on the grounds that modulating down is so rarely heard it would stand it out from everything else. I didn't note the length of the song - but it didn't seem to be overly long, anyway. Maybe shorten the picking between verses? Also, in a more finished version, don't forget to 'build' the song to a climax and then maybe return those last two lines back to 'bare bones' - again for emphasis. Hope these are constructive thoughts.