Let There Be Bass *
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

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Common misconception...size and weight equal quality and performance. Don't be fooled.

I forwarded a link to this to the bass player in my band.

GREAT STUFF. Fran! You REALLy earned that Kentucky nugget for this one (in a GOOD way)!

Thanks,

Russ (bass thumper) Lay

Anybody listen to Bass Talk on Bob and Tom? Really funny stuff.

Russ

Poor Fran,
..he's home, sick and bored out of his mind !
Where'd you find that little gem, anyway?

I think I have posted this one once before but it does belong on this thread ....

A man had been working very hard and finally got to take a vacation. He boarded a ship to a tropical paradise and off he sailed. A couple of days later the ship approached the island. It looked like paradise off in the distance and the faint sound of native drums could be heard as they sailed into port. Oh wow the guy thought, this is exactly the sort of relaxation I need. As they arrived at the port the drumming could be heard louder now.

All the passengers left the ship and headed up to the hotel. Our friend checked into his room and now the drumming could be heard very clearly. He tried to get some sleep but all night long the native drums continued and he didn't get a wink of sleep. he went down to the desk at the lobby the next morning and asked a porter there "When does the drumming stop?". The porter just said "The drumming must not stop!!!" and raced away. The drums continued all day and our friend ended up going back up to his room to try and get the sleep he was now desparately needing. But the drumming continued into the night and our friend tossed and turned all night long.

By the time morning arrived he was not in a very good mood at all. When housekeeping came up to clean his room he asked the maid very sharply "When does the drumming stop?". She raced out of his room saying "The drumming must not stop!!!".

Now our friend was tired and very confused. The drumming went on throughout his entire stay at the island. Finally he had spent his last night at the island and was well and truly ready to go home. As he boarded the ship he was determined to find out why the drumming kept continuing. He asked one of the native dock workers on the way back to the ship "When does the drumming stop?". The worker said "The drumming must not stop!!" and started to run away but our friend definately wanted to get an answer this time and grabbed him. "What will happen if the drumming stops?" .... the worker turned and said .... "Bass solo!!!".


[This message has been edited by Nigel (edited 04-07-2007).]