Go make some tea. This is going to take a while.

I’m a professional. I treat my job as a professional should, and I respect the boundaries that are present between it, and my personal universe.
So ... What happens when a part of your personal life is too closely present in your professional life, and NOT by your choice?

The story:
I’ve been working this restaurant for almost three years, and for most of that time, my relationships with the patrons have been friendly, professional, and very casual … UNTIL - 3 months ago, when I started noticing a "spark" between me and a frequent customer. She shall now, and forever more be referred to as "the dog lady" (no explanation needed - she walks dogs)

It started with a late night breakfast, then a casual game night with friends ... then led to dating, and by dating, I mean - seeing her almost every day, and her coming to the club every night I played. Are you following this? EVERY DAY, and EVERY NIGHT.
Sigh ... every night.

I'm not used to my worlds colliding (Seinfeld ref.) like this, and it didn't sit well. As the weeks went on, I noticed more and more discomfort with the situation, and within a short time I was pretty sure that this relationship had no legs, so we sat on the couch, and I explained why we had to stop seeing each other. Of course, there were lots of warning signs along the way, but it was new, and I enjoyed the company. (no - she's not a redhead)
I was polite. I was honest. I didn't do it in a cowardly text. I wanted to go back to the way it was before we crossed the friendship line. She looked sad, but seemed ok with that. I expected her to eventually shy away from coming to the club, and little by little I'd get my regular orbit back ........ but, no.

She comes in the bar EVERY NIGHT. (Seeing a pattern?) She sits at the closest table to me (10 feet away), and tells everyone who'll listen about how I no longer want to see her, and how this is HER watering hole, and I have no right to expect that she should avoid coming in. I agree with that. I never suggested that she stay away. it was her hangout before I started working there, and I have no right to ask her to leave. BUT - I'm the featured performer four nights a week. The tempo, the stylings, and the song choices are an extension of my world, and my feelings. Why would she want to be in a place that is flooded with me, and my choices?
It's very uncomfortable, but I sort of asked for this, right? EXES …. UGH.

The constant trash talk, and the and the very sound of her voice makes me cringe. Customers, and servers are telling me "I'm so sorry ... this must be hard for you" ... well, it is. She's polluted my workplace with her rants, and it's such a small place, I can hear her BANSEE-LIKE tone above the music almost all night. She sits SOOOOO close.

Now, it gets interesting.

I used to use a USB disco light on certain numbers to fill the room with a little dance fever, for effect.

https://smile.amazon.com/Atmosphere-Port...0978&sr=8-5

Been using it for well over a year. While we were dating, she mentioned that she gets dizzy from the light (due to vertigo), so I tried to respect this, and stopped using it ... although she never complained before we dated. It was just recently that she brought it up. Curious? Maybe.
Now that we're no longer an item, I want to put some "space" between us, and try to encourage her not sit so close to the bandstand. She never used to sit at this table before. 3 tables back was her go-to spot, and the light doesn't carry that far. YUP. I started using the light again. (is that mean?)

Here's where it gets all junior high.
She calls the OWNER of the club, and cries her case about the dizziness. The owner calls me. We sit, we talk, and we come to the solution that dog lady should sit further back, and as a courtesy, I will limit the use of the light to only the most energetic times for effect.

Later that day, the owner calls back and says that dog lady already has reservations for two more nights and she wants to keep that first table. Next week, she'll "TRY" to use the table in the back. I don't really believe her, but we'll see.

So, last night I was livid. It's very hard to be creative when your stomach is in a knot. I look straight ahead, and try to avoid eye contact, but that stinkin' table is RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ..... Grrrrrrr ... and the banshee keeps cackling .... it's a nightmare. Still with me? How’s the Tea?

Now, some back story about me.
I have NO temper. ZERO. I hate confrontation, and whenever possible I try to judge slowly, and forgive quickly. This time it's hard to forgive at all because she's affecting my work. She's messing with my livelihood, and that's just not right. I'm sure she's trying to "stick it" to me by sitting so close, and all this could go away if she'd just shut her canine lips, and go back to her old table. (mean? nope)

There's good news .... I think.

I woke up today thinking that I need to put some space between this entire issue, and my time on stage and, you know what? I think I can. I'm not sure what changed, or if it's really any different at all, but for some strange reason - I think when I get to work tonight, I will be able to channel all my emotion into the songs. I will use the energy of the melody to mask the ugliness at table 21, and just DO MY JOB. I’m a professional, right?

I mean, for crying out loud - I don't dig ditches .... I SING for a living. I spend 4 hours a day with (mostly) strangers who are trying to dust off the cares of their day with some company, some libations, and some music. This is not a factory. I don’t do heavy lifting, or wear a hard hat.
Tonight I will remind myself of just how lucky I am to be able to support myself doing what I love, in a place that's close to home, and very steady. I will “sing” my feelings.

Thanks for reading my rant. No need to weigh in, unless you feel you need to.
I'm better now. I think I grew up a little in my sleep last night.
If I had to summarize this, and put it into a musical context, it'd be something like this:

As a performer, we are encouraged to keep a professional distance between ourselves, and the audience. If that 4th wall is breached ... rely on the tools of the trade to overcome your personal struggles, and ...
USE the music.
EMBRACE the stories.
RIDE the melody to a calming place.
SHARE your emotions with the songwriters words, and most of all ...
SHOW HUMILITY as you share your talents with the world. Music is a gift, and it must be shared to be useful. Tonight, I will be mindful of all these things, and try to follow my own advice.

Thanks for listening … now go wash your cup, and have a nice night.

(BTW - with regard to my quote ... EVERY voice is no longer my teacher. I'm trying very hard to block out the dog lady's voice)

Very interesting. I can relate to a degree, from years ago.

How very appropriate, Don. It might not lessen the angst of poor Dave, but,at least he might be reminded that many of us have been there, and done dat.

Dave,

I've got a story it's different but similar I'm sure others have them too.

I was in sales for many years, I was about 30 years of age and many pounds overweight had been dating the same girl for quite a few years. I lost about 80 pounds and trimmed down to about 185, the girl that I had been dating and I broke up. So here I'm a new man read to really sow some oats that I never did. I started dating a few different women at the same time and was enjoying my new freedom until I started dating the sales office receptionist. In the beginning it was fun but then it wasn't. Every time I called the office she picked up the phone and it was "hi babe, what are we doing tonight?" Not sure what you're doing but I won't be seeing you this evenin. It got to be too much.......way too much working for the same company and dating her. When my dad passed away she was at the wake and never left even when most of the mourners other than family came and went. At the time I had a new job lined up and left the company a couple of months after..................what I learned "Never poop where you eat."

i've been in this situation with a wife years ago. this is a tricky situation . in my case , she made the customers feel very uncomfortable and tense from similar remarks. the owner had a choice , to keep her as customer and let me go. but since i was making him a fortune he banned her from the club as a trouble maker. she had a history of fighting , being loud and causing trouble. simple remarks she is making can escalate.
i stayed professional and treated her with respect, but she was determined to make it hard to play as the more she had to drink, the worse it got.. this happens in the bar business from time to time and with customers . to me its up to the owner. she needs to understand that she is welcomed by you as a entertainer and the club BUT she needs to also respect the business and your stage. hopefully this will die down in time as you two move on. good luck

Never fish in the secretarial pool.

I knew it'd take a country song to REALLY tell the story! Thanks Don.

Though I had lots of opportunities, especially when I was young and single, I never crossed the magenta line and dated customers or fellow employees- just figured it would not be a smart thing to do. Damned, I sure wanted to, though.

Good luck,

Gary

That's one of the reasons I became a musician, to pick up women!

I can think of a couple of things you could do. Here's one.
Find a very large, tattooed, cigar-smoking female body builder/wrestler, pay her to come to the club as your new girlfriend (who you've also reserved a front row table for, and make sure everyone in the club knows she is your 'new' flame). Try to control your gag reflexes as you give her a big juicy kiss just before starting the set. Give her a bonus if her presense causes a confrontation that results in bodily injury to the banshee. Two nights should do it, which is a small price to pay. Let me know how it works out .

chas

Me. Just the opposite. How else you gonna make memories?

chas

One time, in another life, I had two girls get in a fight in the restroom over me. Not an argument, a FIGHT. The prettiest won out. Not sure who won the fight though.

That's two nice ways of saying it ...

LOL
Good one.
But it could go either way.


Dave,
If there is any chance; try having another conversation with her. Honesty often pays.
People don't like their behavior put under the light when called upon. It makes them uncomfortable ...
Just a thought.
Good luck though. Been there myself. it was ugly.
Eric

Great solution, Chas!

Gary

The only thing I can say Dave is.. I love you man. I enjoyed reading that I read it again, but didn't have a cup of tea but a pint of beer instead!

Sigh ... I managed to go almost 50 years without an estrogen related incident that affected my work. I never dated co workers either, but customers .... once in a while. Once was a 20 year marriage that resulted in 3 amazing daughters ... so, there’s that.

A little girl followed me home one night. Hasn't left yet. 40 years ago!

Dave...
First clue it was trouble: Not a redhead.
Eddie

Dave, LMAO reading your story. No suggestions, other than quit being a stud

Hi Dave,
try and stay cool and ignore her, be professional , get on with your job.
Easier said than done.

She’ll keep doing, what she’s doing, if she thinks she’s getting to you.
She may tire of it , if she realises it’s not having an effect on you.

Females can be total b... ches, hence I stay away from them, preferred to chat to men any day of the week.

Yup, yup, yup ... and now it seems that 2 of our female serves drank the dog lady's Kool-Aid, so they are ghosting me, and spreading the verbal poison too. It's like teaching teenagers all over again! Luckily, I have great amounts of experience with teens, AND drunks. It's a shame - I really used to like working here. I may have to rethink that position after New Years Eve. I need to love my job, and if these lemmings make that impossible - I'll go somewhere else. I've never been out of work before, and I don't mean to start now.
Girls-SHMIRLS ..... The entertainment industry is tough. That's why everyone can't do it. It's the tough that makes it great. I think Tom Hanks said that in a movie .... but he might have been talking about some other type of ball busting.

YIKES! I just looked at the length of this original post - man, what a diatribe!
Thanks to all if you who actually read it!

READ it? Crap I practically lived it.
Beats the heck out of watching tv.

Did Donna drink in the early 80's?

I'm sure she could have picked anyone she wanted

And yes Kate, Kelly and Ali seem reasonably normal... thankfully they take after Donna.

I haven't seen Kelly or Ali for a while.. I guess they are doing fine..


BTW: I would stay away from window installs....you bleed too much
Maybe you can be the "soffit" king

Awwww ..... My boys are circling the wagons .... all come out to support me! I feel the love, fellas.
Yes Fran, I know you like Donna best - can't say I blame you. You met us both the same day - I'd pick her, too. WAIT - I did, didn't I?
She never drank much ... it was my Yankee charm what won her. All the girls are fine, and Chris is the most stable of us all. Real job. Real home. Real good life. I'd be jealous, but you always want your kids to do better than you, don't you?

You are a good story teller.
Thanks for sharing.

How did she react when you said “ it’s over”? Any warning signs?
Does she have a life other than coming and bad mouthing you?
I’ m sure when you are singing songs she is imagining that it was her and it will not end.

Unless , she can see you have moved on with another female.
She needs to see it ( unfortunately) to break her heart.

Sometimes you do have to break hearts to move on. I’ve been there.

Good luck and again, thanks for sharing in detail.

Someone once said that the best way to get over a man, is to get UNDER another one. lol

Thanks for your kind words on my storytelling. I guess that comes from my theatre experience. All actors are storytellers, and as musicians -
we get to act out a new story every 4 minutes, or so. Pretty cool when you think of it that way.
Now, back to the story ...
This poor, angry dog lady has no life outside the bar. It's sad, really. Funny thing - she doesn't drink! (neither do I - part of the attraction)
The situation at work is awkward, but certainly manageable. The hardest part is that it's making some of the patrons take sides .... but, there ARE no sides.
There's nobody who needs to be part of this. It's personal. It's over, and it's no-one's business .... so you'd think.

Sigh ... what to do, what to do. I guess we'll see what next week brings. If she insists on sitting so close - she'll have to wear her sunglasses, cuz the lights are here to stay. It's a holiday season, and the walls in the bar come alive when the lights twinkle. If she moves back where she started - she won't have to deal with it.

I feel like you're all my counsellors. Do I really have to keep telling this sad, sad story? It's bringing me down rehashing it.
ENOUGH!
There must be something else interesting enough to talk about. Hmmmmmm Genos, WHAT????

I wrote a song once called "How Can I Get Over You Until You Get Out From Under Him?"
I think you should stick your tongue out at her. Oh, and carry a pistol.
Scariest movie I ever saw was "Play Misty For Me". I had nightmares!

LOL - I'm not good at grudges, or vengeance. I JUST WANT TO SING!!!!! (without having to listen to her cackling)

Dave - your story is a sad one but hopefully it will have a happy ending! Hang in there!

Some crazy things can happen on gigs. Wow - we all should be glad that this hasn't happened at our jobs! Starts out rocky and goes south from there! Sad, Sad, Sad!

But here's the thing Dave. Was she a cackling, screeching banshee when you were first dating and enjoying the 'benefits' of the relationship, or did she just suddenly become 'dog lady' after the breakup? I must say, at your age and level of experience with the opposite sex, you're telling me you can't recognize a "crazy, psycho bitch" when you see one. Tch, Tch. Shame on you for thinking with your ----- instead of your head. But then again, you HAVE been married what, three times....and counting? Sometimes we have to accept that we're getting exactly what we deserve. And oh yeah, SO many clues; like hanging out in a bar every night even though you don't drink. I mean, how many sober people enjoy being around a bunch of drunks?

Well hopefully this has been a 'teachable moment' for you and that you will ultimately benefit from the experience. In the meantime, I'd follow Don's suggestion; CARRY A PISTOL.

Your Synthzone advisor,

chas

WHOA !!! ... over served ?!?!?

Dave ... I'm sure you can find (or write) a song about "it wasn't you, it wasn't me, it just wasn't" and dedicate it to a 'certain someone' ...

I always liked this song, now I know why.

There ya go, Dave ... slight modification to some of the lyrics, it will be perfect ...

[quote=cgiles] Was she a cackling, screeching banshee when you were first dating

Of course not, but as each week passed there was something new that told me this would not last. She blew up at me 3 times, and after the third time - I called it quits. I'm far too sensitive to be yelled at. I'd rather you hit me. (seriously) Words are more hurtful to a Pisces than many realize, and she crossed the line.
I won't discuss the "benefits" of our relationship, but I'll say this - I won't miss anything. It was 2 months .... of steady decline. My heart is intact, and only my ears suffer now, as she's taken on the new role of "dog lady" and changed her voice.
YES - she actually changed the pitch, and tone of her "club" voice since the dumping.
I really don't want to sound mean, but I don't think she's ever been dumped before, and she can't handle it, so she's making me suffer ... or at least, trying. I wouldn't call this uncomfortableness suffering .... it's just a nuisance that I hope will pass .... and soon!

Dave, I hope you realize I was just 'funnin'. I'm the last person in the world to give relationship advice (still, the pistol ain't a bad idea....you know, just in case ).

chas

Yep, we’re sensitive little souls.

I've known people like this. Once they hook you, they start mistreating you. Its ultimately about control, and when you take it back they get highly insulted and indignant, thus the ongoing hissy fit. Stand fast and ignore her. Do your stuff. If she sees its affecting you, it perpetuates the control. So give her no attention and starve her controlling ego...

Chas - Of COURSE! I'm laughing at myself through all this! 3 exes, and countless relationship debris .... I'll get it right one of these days.

Don't worry about it Dave, you could still be President .

chas

Just remember, two swallows don't make a summer Dave

5 minutes of pleasure = a lifetime of misery.

There's no way this lasts a lifetime. LOL - it's a PITA right now. There are real problems out there everyday .... this is just a crazy blotch, and they're everywhere.
It was fun ... until it wasn't. She wasn't my Genos ... just a cheap Amazon accessory return.

..


How long was the return policy?

I went slightly past the 45 days... lol

Dave if it’s past time for a return you may need to do a switchers
Find her a different good looking talented man

There's only so many of us around, and most of us are already taken ...

If you move make sure she doesn't know where!:-)

Simply have to ask , what does PITA, stand for?

PITA = Pain In The A$$

I gotta ask. If she doesn't drink and uses the bar as her ""life" how much does she spend there to make it worth the owner putting up with the disruptions of business.? BTW - seeing her in the bar every night should have been a real warning.
She has nothing else to do so I think another talk with the management may be in order. Would they put up with a customer harassing a server ?
Good luck, we've all met crazies at our jobs and also some great people. But the good far outweigh the bad.

I would swear her to confidentiality, and then tell her you think you have AIDS, can she find you a doctor. OK, that's too outlandish.

Ah, get another girlfriend to come to your shows. If I lived in the same town, I would dress as a woman just to get you out of this mess!

Start flirting with the waiter.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned...

Just announce,my next song is dedicated to all the lovely ladies
in the room........except one.

Thanks for the support ... good laughs all around! It's just a girl. Just a girl.

No such thing as "Just a girl" ...

Good one Donny,



Dave
Hope you don’t own a bunny.

Haha, thanks Donny.

That was one SICKO movie ...
Lessons to be learned:
DON'T DO IT !
If you DO,
Don't take her to YOUR house,
Don't give your REAL phone number,
Don't tell her where you work,
Don't go back to the place you met,
And most important,
DON'T DO IT !!!
Of course, in Dave's case it's different - he's a single guy ...

Nope - I'm HAREless ... in more ways than one ! LOL

Glad you put in that last line!

Does she also come up and sing karaoke?

Haha , good one.