On a separate thread I brought up the topic of stage patter, but I think this topic deserves its own thread.

I'm neither a stand up comedian or savy story teller, so prefer to focus on what I do best: sing & play the keyboard. On the other hand, stage patter remains an important ingredient to a successful show. I've found that sharing the answers to some of life's imponderables well received by my audiences, such as: Why do dogs have to walk 3 times in a circle before they lie down? When do Fish Sleep? Where did the term jay-walking, and word ladybug come from, and why is an outdoor bazaar called a flea market anyway?

Answers can be found at: http://www.imponderables.com/

I'd really be interested in hearing what types of effective stage patter (jokes, one liners, tall tales, stories, etc) other gigging musician entertainers here use. Thanks. - Scott

Now this is a great topic!
When there is only one couple on the dance floor, at the end of the song I'll say:
"We almost had a winner in the dance contest!"
Then I might add, "You'd have won if you had done the mandantory dip at the end." You can build on this if necessary, such as, "the prize was $50,000 dollars tonight."
Last night the boss and his wife won.
If there are just two couples later, I might say, "You tied for second place that time".
Here's one you can use in a country situation. "Here's an old country piece for you. It reminds me of my first ex-wife. She was an old country piece too." Depending on the crowd, I might add,"You probably know her. If not, her phone number's in the restroom. Don't worry it's not a 900 number. {pause) It's an 800 number."
To announce the last song of the evening, I will say, "Well it's time for me to go home and play with the baby's momma".
All right, now lets hear some good ones.
DonM

Christmas/Thanksgiving joke:

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast turkey?

A: Anyone can roast turkey...

Ok, maybe not good a good joke for restaurant gigs...

Here's one for you ear players like myself. When I get a request for a song I don't know:I say, thank you for your request, I know almost every song in the world and the ones I don't know my father knows. Unfortunately he's not here tonight.

This usually gets me off the hook.

RP

Big laffs for this Christmas piece I have been using:
Three guys die and meet at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, because its Christmas you must have something symbolizing Christmas on your person to get into Heaven this month.

First guy produces a Bic lighter. He says it is like a Christmas candle. St. Pete admits him.

Second guy pull out his car keys, shakes them and says they are like Jingle Bells. St. Pete lets him in.

Third guy is sweating bullets...then reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a pair of ladie's panties. St. Pete says, "What in the world do they have to do with Christmas?"

They guy says, "They are Carol's".

Eddie

Eddie,

That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO lame. I love it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Tom

Small jobs such as piano bars demand a little patter. Some nights I talk a lot, others not much at all. Depends on the situation.
DonM

Shut up and PLAY !

could'nt resist that one

"The more you drink the better we sound!!!"

A young lady goes to the doctor for a physical, and when she removes her blouse the doctor notices a depression near her stomach that looks like the letter "M". "What's that?" he asks, and she becomes very embarrased and explains that her boyfrined likes to make love with his football jersey on. "Oh, then he must go to the University of Michigan" the doctor says and she replies, "No, Wisconsin".