Who is that son of a birch that invented cigars? I want to kill that jerk. There was a guy in the bar last night puffing away on one, I wanted to snatch that sucker out of his mouth and just stomp it on the ground. Wouldn't I love to be 6'8" and 280 lbs.

Hey, I just remembered a song I wrote. A silly, folky story song...

===

“KEN THE CONMAN CAVEMAN”
©2004 Bill Pittman All rights reserved

Ken [D] the conman [C] caveman started [D] it
Ken invented booze and ciga-[A]-rettes
First [D] thing was blueberry beer
Then [C] found tobacco leaves grew here
Told [D] Gonzo, See these [A] leaves, I got an [D] idear

Ken [D] said when they're [C] dry, we'll roll 'em [D] tight
We'll light the end and suck with all our [A] might
Gonzo [D] said Aw, come on, Ken
Who [C] would want to suck smoke in
You're [D] just drunk, your [A] logic sure is [D] thin

But [D] Ken the conman [C] caveman was a [D] pro
Drank blueberry beer, made Gonzo [A] roll
Movin' [D] 'round the campfire there
Dodging [C] campfire smoke for air
Gonzo [D] said, See, [A] Ken, smoke's bad, I [D] swear

Soon, [A] Gonzo 'as puffin' like a [D] train
Caveman [A] peer pressure was to [D] blame
Then [G] Ken said Let's hunt a deer
We'll [D] take cigarettes and beer
They [D] wheezed thru the [A] forest, all could [D] hear

A cigarette was dangling from his lip
Gonzo said, Hey, Ken, we sure look hip
Ken said Yeah, at caveman school
I was voted Mr. Cool
And when you got it, use it, that's a rule

Somehow, Ken got tangled up in vines
Stompin' 'round, discovered he'd made wine
Wine and cigarettes and beer
Just like rednecks hunt a deer
Where that came from, now, that much is clear

Yeah, Ken the conman caveman did us in
Sold the rights to homo sapiens
Adam fell for anything
When it came to pleasing Eve
And Eve said Ken was sexy, blowing rings

Ken and Gonzo fin'lly lost their mind
Neanderthal, a victim of the vine
Ken's wife, Barb cut off the kiss
And Gonzo's wife stayed really pissed
Booze and cigarettes did all of this

They all died without a single kid
Thank God, Eve and Adam fin'lly did
It could happen again, homo sapiens
Ken the conman caveman started it