Thanks to Scott Yee's sister Kathy for this one......
Subject: Andy Rooney
> >>
> >>1. Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
> >>It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House
> > on
> >>her hands and knees.
> >>
> >>2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word
> >>meaning "lousy hunter".
> >>
> >>3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty thousand
> >>dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks
> >>apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I
> >>already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room
> >>and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day
> >
> >>on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run,
> >>they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
> >>
> >>4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never
> >>knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me,
> >>sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
> >>Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off
> >>the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your
> > clothes.
> >>
> >>5. Andy Rooney on morning differences. Men and women are different in the
> >>morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
> >>wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me
> >>the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no
> >>blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
> >>
> >>6. Andy Rooney on cripes My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people
> >>there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who
> >
> >>would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy
> >>Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
> >>
> >>7. Rooney on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
> >>says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
> >>that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where
> >>she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
> >>
> >>8. Rooney on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny
> >>positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
> > and
> >>I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
> >
> >>is: "Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
> >>calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop
> >>sharing the love.." Andy Rooney
> >