Steve, I like your idea ...it's good creativity. My critique is....good idea, but there's not enough "life" in the song, not enough "fluff." Too "heavy!" Listen to television commercials. I do a lot of that and I tune into....NOT the words but the "upbeat" music behind it that makes the commercial work. A great example is (if you get the commercial where your are) the commercial for Farmers Insurance.



Only three words but a really catchy, upbeat melody in those three words.

This might help too. They went from "original hum-drum"



to something more alive




Otherwise, again, I applaud your creative thinking.