posted 11-22-2005 08:22 PM            

On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police
Supply Shop that tickled my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is
easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and
I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,
it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've
seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one
for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did it.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat)
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always
twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or
two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I
think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round. Miss 'em...! sure would like to get'em back.

posted 11-22-2005 10:04 PM         

I dunno - boys and their toys . . .

Can't say I'd buy one of those for my wife, she might be tempted to use it on me.

posted 11-24-2005 07:54 AM         

maybe a more scientific test for day two.

how about holding the cat and see if blue flame will arc from you to the cat. he he

Reminds me of a 4th grade joke from years past.

posted 11-26-2005 08:49 AM            

Glad your still alive to write about it.

posted 11-29-2005 09:28 AM         

You can find more legends or true stories at www.darwinawards.com ,check them out.

A fellow from Michigan buys himself a brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and celebrates by tossing down a few too many brews with his buddies. In one of those male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog, the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head out to a nearby lake.

Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have nothing to worry about on that score, because one member of the party works for a construction team, and happens to have brought some dynamite along. The stick has a short 20-second fuse.

The group is ready for some action. They're all set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly bottomless supply of six-packs, the group considers how to safely dynamite a hole through the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out that the dynamite should explode at a location far from where they are standing. Another notes the risk of slipping on the ice when running away from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite out onto the ice.

There is a bit of contention over who has the best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the ready while one of his companions lights the fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great velocity and runs in the other direction.

Unfortunately, a member of another species spots his master's arm motions and comes to an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a trained Black Labrador, born and bred for retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner. As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object.

Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before you know it, the retriever is headed back to his owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite with the burning 20-second fuse. The group continues to yell and wave their arms while the happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his own dog.

The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he continues towards his master, who shoots at man's best friend again. Finally comprehending that his owner has become insane, the dog runs for cover with his tail between his legs. And the nearest cover is right under the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits, and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand staring at the water with stupid looks on their faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain the misadventure to his insurance company. Needless to say, they determined that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered under their policy, and the owner is still making $400 monthly payments on his brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.