Can I steal your jokes?

Recently Tony posted: Mary had a little lamb, and.......boy, was the doctor surprised. I added that to my collection of jokes and humor. It also started me thinking about song lyrics and parodies.

I've been collecting things like this for years now that I file in my Book of Humor that I use in patter to spice up my performance between songs.

Examples from my notes:

They tried to sell us Egg-Foo-Yung (song: Too Young)

Some Enchanted Evening...you may eat lasagna..don't get any on'ya...or you may get a stain

Let Me Call You Sweetheart ...originally called Streetsmart, then Sweatheart, and I eventually changed the name to what you hear today: Let Me Call You Sweetheart

I'm Gonna Sit Right Down And Knit Myself A Sweater........(Write Myself A Letter)

There are a lot of you out there. What say the lot of you? Anything humorous (like Tony's Mary/lamb), that we can use in our performances. But, please....no blue jokes. Keep it clean.

Hi Mark, try "Hello Young Lovers, you're under arrest" For a starter.

Ray

Grandma got run over by a steem roller, we slipped her under the door on christmas eve.

Mel

For gigs at a nude beach:

'Red tails in the sunset'

chas

Sing: "Don't look so sad....I know you're pregnant...", or
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be....there's a husband standing over me..."

I GOT A MILLION OF EM!

R.

When she says, "What the hell, let's go find a motel".........That's Amore!!

Johnny Cash "I Walk the Line"

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my pants up with a piece of twine
I know our love grows stronger all the time
So if your mine, you'll pull the twine

My next song will be, "She insulted my apartment, so I knocked her flat."

The younger ones probably won't get that one though.

when your playing a nursing home which many here do these quick witted jokes go right over the head of the senior audiences,...I'd rather spend the time playing another song...when you add up the wasted time of all the so called jokes in an hour show.......

ok Rim Shot now!

Of course you have to know your audience ... but some of these might work in some of the smaller assisted/independent living places I play where it is a more casual setting which results in more conversation between me and the audience ...

Its not song related however....

I once bought a vintage Rolls Royce but did not realise until later it did not come with a driver....

...spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

I bought a Rolls-Canardly.

That's the model that 'rolls' down the hills, but 'canardly' get up the other side.

How about every single church out there with an insurance against "Acts of God?"

One full hour of constant music can be tiring not only for the performer but more so for the audience. I think good, tasteful jokes give breathing room between songs.

Of course, jokes don't translate very well into another language/culture. For instance, how can you translate into another language, "Why can't a bicycle stand alone on its own?" "It is two(too) tired." However, when dealing with an audience of the same language, good humor can be very effective as I've seen other musicians.

I read about the evils of drinking so I gave up reading

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?

Second verse to 'Are you lonesome tonight'

Are you lonesome tonight?
Is your brasserie too tight?
Is your corset all falling apart?

Does the size of your chest
Make holes in your vest?
Is your spare tyre right up to your heart?

Are your stockings all laddered
And your tights wearing thin?
Doo you keep up your knickers
With a big safety pin?

Are your dentures all worn?
Do they rock when you yawn?
Then you know
Why you're lonesome tonight!

This got a chuckle out of me !!!!!

LOL! Hadn't heard that one in many years, John. A definite keeper.